Scene from "TYING THE KNOT"

JOHN, mid-20s,   PAULA, mid-30s,  KEITH, late 60s


(To audience)

Nate was a dreamer.  That’s what was best about him and what could also drive

you nuts. You’ll see what I mean. For instance, how we met.  I thought it was by

accident, but he was sure we were destined.  He’d had his tarot cards read and they

told him his Higher Power was on the job.  So he had this image: His Higher

Power and mine, sitting around playing gin rummy.  His would go “So what’s new

on your front; how’s your dude?”  “Boring.  He’s buried in his work, big yawn.

Yours?”  “Please; all he does is watch porn and jerk off; it’s embarrassing.”  “Hey,

why don’t we get ‘em together?”  “You crazy?  They’d murder each other in 6

months.”  “Yeah but it could be fun to watch.”  “Hmmm, okay; let’s do Thursday.

And by the way: gin.”  Higher Powers with a sense of humor .... very dangerous.



(To audience)

The first time I saw Carol, I lost twenty five bucks.   I was playing golf with The

UnderPar Four –     That’s me, Betsy Patton, Mead Carolton and Cheryl-Ann

Grayson.  We played once a month at the Park Links.  We used to play at

Lakeside, but one time Betsy got in a shouting match with a caretaker who made

some remark about ‘dikes with drivers,’ and we never went back. I’m off the

subject, I know.  Sorry.  Talking about Carol, I start losing it. Anyhow, we were

playing a dollar a hit and I was ahead, and then Carol and her group want to play

through and we said yes, and Carol walks by and she smiles at me, and my whole

game goes down the toilets.  But you know — even with all the heart-break — it

was still the best 25 bucks I ever spent in my life. 



(To audience)

I was married when I started hanging out with Bob.  No.  He taught me honesty. I

was cheating on my wife with him.  And Bob was cheating with me; he was with

an alcoholic named Dennis. So we were two men being lousy to their spouses.

Although, in our own defense, the spouses weren’t so nice; I had a cold fish and

Bob had a chronic liar. I know some people might say we deserved what came

down, but I don’t believe that people are ever punished for trying to be happy. 

People who want to condemn you, they’re just jealous; so screwed they can’t stand

to see somebody else having a good life.  I mean, how else do you explain the




(To audience)

Here’s how  it happened. We lived in Hickory Heights, which some people called

Homo Hills and others called Homo Heaven, depending on which side of the street

you rode your bike.  Every big city has one — a little boys town, where the

apartments are gentrified, the shops trendy, and nobody cares if you hold your

boyfriend’s hand on the way to Starbucks.  Well, one day our alderman got the

bright idea of putting up banners to –  air quote –  officially designate the area as – 

another air quote –  a rainbow community.  Some folks thought that was great:

others thought it was a crock of shit.  The meeting was very loud, and we were the

loudest of all. 

                   (WE move into a scene between JOHN and




We need to be public. Everybody knows we’re here, what’s the point of pretending

we’re not.



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